PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
