she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
