i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
