Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
