We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
