we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
