i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
