seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
