i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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