You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
