he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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