I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm bleeding and have questions
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
