I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
