i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
