so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
