apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Text me some of your sweat
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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