Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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