Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
