Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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