Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
