Your dad touched me again.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
