I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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