Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
