he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
