I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This is the high leading the old right now
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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