I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
