So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
