Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
