Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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