Everything about him screamed your future.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
