I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
