I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
