they need to just BURY HIM!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
