i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
