Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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