Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
