I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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