found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
