I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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