i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I just sharted jello shots
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
