My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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