saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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