I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
