it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
