My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
