I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what day is it and did you see me today?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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