This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
