We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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