No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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