I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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